Guilt
by livsgirl
Summary: every officer, even lawyers, have a case that haunts them, one that fills them with guilt, and eventually destroys them. For Alex that case is Sam Cavanaugh.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I saw this episode a week or so ago and figured there was a story there. I am doing it as a pre established A/O. Hope everyone enjoys and reviews are welcomed**

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When Detective's Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler of the Special Victims Unit at the 16 walked into the bullpen there was no hiding the exhaustion and frustration that was written all over their faces. Their current case had been heading south since they began and no matter what they did it seemed as if there was no saving the case.

The case involved a young man by the name of Sam Cavanaugh that was molested by Roy Barnett. The case was brought to their attention when his mother had discovered what happened. With the help of Sam they were attempting to get him to confess at the train station but instead Sam gave him a warning and he attempted to run.

Alex Cabot their ADA had met with Sam to go over his testimony in an attempt to save the case and place the serial pedophile where he belonged. Behind bars. Everything was going great until later that night when Alex received a call from Elliot telling her that Sam had attempted suicide. She had rushed to the hospital only to have his mother attack her.

With the victim unable to testify in court their case was gone. The constitution gave the accused the right to face their accuser. For as long as Cavanaugh was in a coma that wasn't going to happen. This hindered his right to a speedy trial as well. All those factors combined led them to where they were now, in a desperate search for new evidence.

"Did you tell her what we were looking for?" Alex asked in only what could be described as controlled anger.

Was that before or after she started screaming for security?" Elliot asked back as he hung his jacket up.

"Does it matter? Write her a note and slip it under the door. Leave a message on the answering machine."

"Alex do you think she really cares about helping us make the case?" Olivia asked frustrated with how the case was turning out.

"Make her Care!" Alex ordered as she glared at Olivia.

"We still have this other victim Ben Tucker." Cragen stated hoping to diffuse the tension that was mounting between Cabot and the squad.

"Never in a million years" Cabot said as she looked at Cragen as if he had grown two heads

"Why?" Stabler asked

"You were sitting across the table from him. Do you really think he's a good witness?"

"Make him a good witness." Elliot said throwing Alex's words back in her face.

"I can't make his priors disappear. His case would never get past the grand jury."

"So you suddenly only take cases you can win?"

"I try the cases I am handed by this squad. You don't like the evidence I got find me some more. I can't do your job too." Alex spat out at Stabler.

"You can't do my what…?" Elliot asked feeling his anger reaching its breaking point.

"Out of line Alex." Cragen stated hoping to stop the fight that was starting.

"No! I'm not out of line and I don't work for you! You work for me at my discretion. Your sole propose in this process is to bring me a case I can prosecute, not one I have to fix!"

"Fine then you tell us counselor how can we help you put this man away. What would you like us to do?"

Alex looked around the room and locked eyes with Olivia. She could tell by the look in her eyes not only had she crossed more lines than she should but had lost the case no matter what she did.

"Nothing. You've done all you can." Alex admitted before walking out of the bull pen.

Stabler stared after Alex for a few minutes before turning to Olivia.

"What the hell was that? We work for her at her discretion. Bring her a case she can prosecute not fix. We wouldn't be in this mess if she hadn't pushed Sam. He may still be able to testify."

"El he was unstable from the beginning. He denied everything for weeks until that day he broke down in the victim's room. This is not her fault."

"ISN'T IT." Elliot screamed as he closed the gap between them leaving their faces a mere inches apart.

"SHE DIDN'T FORCE THE PILLS DOWN HIS THROAT." Olivia screamed back bracing herself for one ugly argument.

"SHE MINE AS WELL GIVEN HIM THE PRESCRIPTION. WE WOULDN'T BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR HER."

"OH REALLY SO SHE MADE ROY BARNETT SEEK HIM OUT AND MOLEST HIM. JUST HOW THE HELL DID SHE FORCE HIM TO MOLEST SAM."

"I'M NOT SAYING THAT. I'M SAYING SHE PUSHED HIM TO FAR TOO FAST. PUSHING HIM TO WEAR THE WIRE THEN CONSTANTLY GOING OVER HIS TESTIMONY. WHAT THE HELL WAS SAID LAST NIGHT WHEN THEY MET TO GO OVER HIS TESTIMONY."

"I HAVE NO CLUE."

"OH REALLY. YOU TWO DIDN'T SHARE THAT AS PILLOW TALK LAST NIGHT." As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them.

"FUCK YOU STABLER." Olivia screamed with a vengeance as she pulled her back and delivered a well deserved smack across Elliot's jaw.

"THAT'S ENOUGH." Cragen ordered as he jumped between two of his best detectives and pushed them apart. "Both of you calm down otherwise I will suspend you both do you understand. You can either find a way to work together or can permanently work apart. You decide."

Both detectives stood staring at each other before they turned their backs and stormed out of the bull pen in opposite directions. Captain Cragen was content to let them storm off and cool down. He had seen them get into shouting matches before but he had never seen them go to blows.

"Get back to work and find something useful." Cragen said to Munch and Fin as he stormed back to his office and slammed his door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia took a deep breath trying to calm herself before knocking on the door. She knew if she entered the office in the mood she was in was just going to lead to another shouting match. This one wouldn't even come close to the one she just encountered with Elliot. But then again they never did. After she was sure she could enter the room without blowing up she raised her hand and rapped on the door three times.

"Come in" Alex called out her voice filled with all the frustration and exhaustion she was feeling.

"What was that back there Alexandra?" Olivia asked as she walked into her girlfriend's office.

"What was what?" Alex asked as if trying to bait Olivia into another argument.

"You know what. I don't work for you, you work for me. No we work for the commissioner at 1PP. You work for the DA which is an elected position. At no time have we ever had to answer to you nor will we ever. You over stepped so many boundaries back there. Now tell me what that was really over."

"I'm trying to do everything I can to save the case, Olivia."

"And we're not?"

"With what we have I have to wonder."

"Oh really you wonder." Olivia said as she leaned over Alex's desk toward her "The last four days I have been what? Working around the clock for nothing? Going through every piece of Barnett's history trying to find other victims? I just spent a few minutes with a mother who is wondering if her son will ever wake up again and if so will he be a vegetable. All because of Roy Barnett. So don't act as if we aren't doing enough to save the case. We are doing everything we can with what little we have."

"Don't give me that righteous speech" Alex growled as she stood and kicked her chair from under her matching Olivia's glare with one of her own. "I have been here in this office around the clock myself. I'm trying to find some way to work out a deal with a known liar. So you're not the only ones who is working around the clock working with very little."

"Then act like it. Don't come in the precinct acting like we work for you and your every command. We don't bring you cases to fix we bring you cases you win. Sometimes shit happens to make a case hit the toilet. There's nothing that can be done about that."

"Maybe if I had spent a little more time with him he wouldn't have swallowed all the pills that he did. Or if I hadn't pushed him to get Barnett on tape."

"Alex this isn't your fault." Olivia spoke in a softer tone as she reached across the desk and caressed Alex's cheek "Some victims take it harder than others, especially the men. If the abuser is a man they are scared that they will be tagged with the stigma that they're gay because they *let it happen*."

"That's not true."

"You know that, I know that, hell on some level they know that but it is hard for them to grasp it. Now because they have had sex with a man whether it was consensual or not they are gay. To some it's the end of the world and they would rather be dead than face the truth. We may never know but that could have been going through Cavanaugh's mind."

"I know on some level I feel as if I am to blame."

"You will." Olivia whispered as she walked around the desk and pulled Alex into her arms "On some level you always will. Its what you do with that guilt you have that matters. You can let it eat you alive like some do or you can use it as fuel to the flame. Just don't go over board with it."

"How do you handle it? Seeing what you see on a daily basis?" Alex asked as she looked into Olivia's eyes with tears in hers "After a year I still have trouble with it. I truly don't see how you have done it for as long as you have."

"Its when you don't feel emotions that there is an issue." Olivia whispered as she wiped the tears from Alex's eyes "That's when you know its time to leave."

"I'm sorry about earlier. I want so badly to see this guy rot in prison."

"We do to more so now than ever before."

"I hope I can make it happen." Alex said as she removed herself from Olivia's arms and put her coat on "I have a meeting with Judge Petrovsky in ten minutes to try and get a search warrant for the Cavanaugh house."

"What are you trying to find?"

"I don't know a note. A picture. Hell at this point I'd take just about anything as long as it leads to a conviction."

"Good luck beautiful let us know if you are successful. I have to go and make things right with Elliot. We had a shouting match after you left."

"Defending me again?"

"Always." Olivia said with a cocky smile on her face that made Alex blush. No one had ever been as protective and attentive as Olivia. Then again she had never dated a cop before and the one thing she was learn was that they were a breed all their own.

"You'll make it right you two always do. Hell if it wasn't for the fact that he was married and you are gay you two would be the perfect couple."

"So I've been told." Olivia said laughing for the first time in almost a week as she headed out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I want to take a moment to thank everyone who reads, favorites, follows, and reviews all the stories I have written. I am extremely amazed and thankful to each and everyone of you that takes time out of your day to read what I have written. I know my updates have been a sporadic to say the least. I hope to correct soon. I hope you enjoy the next chapter. **

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"Has anybody seen Stabler?" Olivia asked as she entered the precinct.

"Not since the showdown." Fin said looking up from the papers he was reading.

"Damn" Olivia muttered as she sat at her desk going through the files that was spread across her desk in no orderly fashion. In no time at all she was fully engrossed in the paperwork hoping to find that missing link or victim they have been searching for since everything went south.

"Benson" Olivia said as she answered her phone never taking her eyes off of the file she was reading.

"Meet me at the Cavanaugh's." Cabot said

"What?" Olivia asked looking up from the file she was reading.

"Get your *husband* and meet me at the Cavanaugh's."

"Be there as soon as we can." Olivia answered as she stood up grabbing her jacket and looking around for Stabler. Still not seeing him or having heard from him she headed out of the bull pen deciding to call him and tell him to meet her there.

"Hey where we're you we got to go." Olivia said as she turned the corner and saw Elliot walking toward her.

"Coffee. Whats up?" he asked automatically turning and following Olivia.

"Cabot called she wants us to meet her at the Cavanaugh's now."

"She get a search warrant?" Elliot asked as they entered the elevator.

"She must have called in a big favor." Olivia said as she wondered exactly what it had cost Alex.

"El about what happened earlier." Olivia said as they pulled up to the Cavanaugh's building.

"Its not the first time we fought and there's no doubt in my mind it won't be the last. I can tell though that this case is eating at Alex. We know all too well what happens when you let a case eat at you. We've buried too many officers that couldn't let a case go and ended up eating the business end of their service weapon. I don't want to see that happen to Alex."

"I know El. Trust me I know. I haven't been home in four days and the only time I've seen Alex is to argue with her over the case. You know as well as I do how stubborn the woman is. The president couldn't force her to talk if she didn't want to."

"It doesn't matter Liv. Tie her down, interrogate her like a suspect, hell fuck it out of her for all I care but make her talk to you."

"Yes sir." Olivia said laughing as she got out of the car. "Let's get upstairs and meet Cabot. The sooner we close this case the sooner I can do just what you instructed."

As they stepped off the elevator they saw that Alex had beat them to the scene and instead of waiting on them to serve the warrant she was already talking to Miss. Cavanaugh. They decided they were going to hang back hoping that those two were meeting in the middle and settling on a truce. What they didn't know was that Alex was conning her way into the apartment.

"What do you want?" Miss Cavanaugh asked as she opened the door and saw the woman she blamed for her sons attempted suicide standing in front of her.

"Miss. Cavanaugh I'm here to inform you that these premises are considered a crime scene and subject to search by the police."

"What crime?"

"Your son's alleged suicide attempt. Until we can prove otherwise we are required to treat it as an attempted homicide."

"Right. Maybe someone stuffed the pills down his throat. Maybe I did it. Is that what you're saying?"

"Miss. Cavanaugh… "Alex started to say but couldn't finish

"I'd let you talk to himself but he can't speak. He's at a rehabilitation hospital. Do you know when he's coming home?"

"I am not here to upset you." Alex said.

"Never" She said as she started to close the door but was stopped by Alex slamming it back against the wall.

"The only reason I am here is to find evidence against the man who hurt your son. I am more than willing to accept blame for what happened Sam. But do not let Roy Barnett get away with what he did."

Both women stood there staring at each other. Anyone could see it was a battle between the two and not one that they wanted to walk in on either or stop. Finally as if giving up Miss. Cavanaugh turned and walked away from the door. That was when Alex exhaled the breath she had been holding and the two detectives finally walked up to her.

"Any restrictions on the search warrant?" Olivia asked as she stared at the love of her life wishing that she could take all this away from her. That she had never entered into the world she lived daily. Then again if she hadn't they would have never met and be where they are now.

"Nope whatever you can find." Alex said as she swallowed past the lump forming in her throat.

Olivia nodded as Elliot followed her into the apartment each saying a silent prayer that they would find the evidence needed to bury Roy Barnett under the prison. After about twenty minutes of search it was as if god was smiling down on them when Elliot found a secret compartment in Sam's closet that held an envelope. Upon opening it they found the tapes that they were told that Barnett loved to send to his victims. Smiling at each other they left the room having what they needed to finally nail the bastard to the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

Elliot and Olivia made their way to TARU to check over the videos they had with Morales. Even though they needed to watch the videos for no more than two minutes to see what they needed they made sure to at least watch them for at least twenty before they could no longer stomach what they were seeing. Not that they could to begin with. Thankfully for them though Barnett was stupid enough to date stamp and time stamp each video. Which under New York law each act that was performed on the tape on a different date was a separate offense. Finally their luck was turning around with the case.

"I will continue to verify and document each video." Morales said looking up at the detectives. "Give me about two hours and you will know exactly how many counts you can get this bastard on."

"That will work." Stabler said heading for the door "As for right now we are going to collar him on the counts that we know of. We can hold him in the tombs for twenty-four hours before he has to be before a judge."

"Do you get the feeling that this was all a little too easy after everything we went through?" Olivia asked as they drove toward Barnett's residence.

"Liv, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Those could have been there all along and he was scared to reveal them. We may never know what was going through Sam Cavanaugh's mind to not only hide those video's but to keep them a secret."

"I would say the normal reactions guilt, shame, and fear."

"I am inclined to agree with that myself." Stabler answered as they pulled to a stop behind a moving truck that Barnett was carrying a box to.

"Aww he's leaving town." Stabler said as he jumped out of the car "You know we're really going to miss you."

"Now what?" Barnett asked as Olivia removed the box he was carrying from his hands and Elliot handcuffed him.

"We're helping you pack." Olivia said as she put the box in the moving truck.

"You think all this stuff will fit in his cell?"

"Probably not" Olivia said as she assisted in escorting Barnett to the car.

In no time they had Barnett at the tombs and was getting him processed in. Alex was to be in court in a few hours to have him arrainged on his charges.

"We can finally see our on beds tonight not the crib." Elliot said as he pulled into the station house.

"I know I'm really looking forward to actually taking a nice hot shower in my own shower not the one here in the locker room."

"I know the feeling. Before we head home want to go to Mulligan's to celebrate. This was a one in a million find."

"Let's get Fin and Munch and go for a drink. I could use one to wind down."

"Great call Alex and see if she can meet us there too."Olivia flipped her phone open and sent a quick message to Alex to meet them at Mulligan's even though she seriously doubt she would. Even though they were dating and she had been with the unit for over a year there were very few times she joined them for drinks. Majority of the times she stayed at the office or headed to their apartment. Simply stating that she needed that time with the guys, she was the one who had firsthand knowledge of the scene and everything that occurred.

"Barnett is being processed as we speak and we're going to Mulligan's to celebrate. " Elliot informed Fin as they entered the bull pen

'You're probably not wanting to do that." Fin said cutting him off.

"Why not?' Olivia asked afraid that their case had just hit the toilet again.

"dad's mad" He said walking off as Cragen exited his office and ordered them into it.

"You searched the Cavanaugh place without consent?" Cragen asked after he shut the door to his office.

"What?" Elliot asked confused Alex had a search warrant. They didn't need consent with a warrant.

"We didn't need consent Cabot had the search warrant." Olivia stated realizing then that they had not seen Alex hand Linda Cavanaugh any papers.

"Try again."

They both looked at each other realizing at that moment exactly how far Cabot was willing to go for the case. Every piece of evidence they obtained was through an illegal search that made anything they found fruit of the poisonous tree. They were screwed and now even farther back then before the y went to the Cavanaugh's. Now they were facing lawsuits for violating Barnett's fourth amendment right to illegal search and seizure.

"Are you saying Cabot said she had a search warrant?" Cragen asked pulling them from their thoughts.

"I don't remember." Elliot stated trying his best to cover for Alex.

"Don't give me that crap you need to start covering your own asses not hers."

"She didn't specifically say she had a warrant.' Olivia said in amazement that straight laced Cabot would set them up in this manner.

"But she specifically told you to meet her for a search implying she had a warrant."

"It was a good faith search as far as we knew there was a warrant."

"Good faith doesn't cover Cabot lying to you."

"She did that to protect us. Those tapes shows Barnett with a half dozen other boys. If we hadn't found those we would of never known about his other victims."

"If those tapes get thrown out we know nothing."

Olivia nodded knowing he was right.

"Go both of you. You two better pray that Alex can get you out of this mess that she just put you in."

As they exited Cragen's office Elliot grabbed Olivia by the arm and lead her away from everyone.

"What exactly did Cabot say on the phone when she called?' He asked through clenched teeth. He knew Cabot had good intentions with the search but then again the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

"She said to get you and meet her at the Cavanaugh's."

"At anytime did she say she had a warrant?"

"No."

"Then how did you know we were going to search?"

"I went to see her after our fight. To find out what the hell her problem was. When I left her office she was leaving to see Judge Petrovsky for a search warrant. When she called and told me to meet her there I assumed she pulled in some heavy favors and it was costing her big."

"Ok." Elliot said calming down understanding where the implication had come from now "This search is costing her big. It may cost her, her career."

"And ours." Olivia said voicing what no one wanted to say.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I know this chapter is short and I promise to make it up on the next chapter.**

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Elliot and Olivia pulled up outside the court house. They had never shown up nor needed to be at a motion hearing. Today they were determined to be there every second. Not only was their case hedging on the outcome but so were their careers.

They slid into the back of the court room in time to hear the defense state how Linda Cavanaugh never consented to any search. Instead Alex had lied her way into the residence stating that the apartment was crime scene.

Alex attempted to defend herself stating that the alleged suicide attempt was never investigated therefore making the apartment a crime scene. Judge Petrovsky quickly stopped her from continuing. A rookie could see that Alex had pushed the judge past the point of no return with her stunt.

The defense took this distraction to point out his real point in the matter. That this was a fourth amendment violation that was not only sanctioned but carried out by the people. Thus making any evidence they found fruit of the poison tree.

"Mr. Barnett's fourth amendment rights were not violated. Linda Cavanaugh's certainly were but she is not on trial here." Alex said using this time to drive her point home praying that it worked "He has no standing to contest the search of someone else's home."

"Are you actually arguing that you can search any private residence?" The defense attorney shook his head in disbelief. He could not believe that Alex was actually arguing that she could march in and search any private residence. He had been up against her before but never had he thought he would see the straight lace Alexandra Cabot stoop to this level.

"I am arguing that I can search any private residence that doesn't belong to your client. And it will have no bearing on these proceedings."

The defense attorney knew the second those words exited Alex's mouth that she was right. At no time had they conducted a search on any property belonging to Barnett. Therefore making the evidence they had against his client valid. His only hope was to say a silent prayer that the judge would see it differently but he doubted it. She knew the law just as well as they did. She knew that in no way did the search directly violate his client's fourth amendment rights.

"While I deplore the Assistant District Attorney actions, I am forced to agree that the illegal search of Linda Cavanaugh's residence is a civil tort. The defendant's rights were not violated and therefore he has no legal standing to contest the search. Motion to suppress the evidence is denied."

That decision told both attorneys what they needed to know. There was no way Barnett could get off the charges and avoid being buried under the prison without a plea deal. One they doubted would come their way. The other was that for as many civil liberties Alex broke and the blatant disregard of the law she was sworn to uphold Alex had finally gotten Sam Cavanaugh the justice he deserved. Although it would not be without consequences. Consequences that Alex had hoped would limit the guilt she felt. But as she stood in the court room it did nothing of the sort. If anything her disregard of the law increased her guilt and knowing that she put Olivia's and Elliot's careers on the line did nothing to help.

As Judge Petrovsky read Alex the riot act Elliot and Olivia quietly stood and exited the court room. Even though they knew Alex would be in some kind of trouble they didn't feel right hearing Alex receive her tongue lashing. Not to mention no matter how mad Olivia ever got at Alex she was always overly protective of her. Hearing Judge Petrovsky say what she had to say made Olivia want to unleash a few choice words on her while comforting Alex.

"The tapes are in." Alex exhaled as she exited the courtroom acting as if she was seeing Olivia and Elliot for the first time but everyone knew better.

"Good." Olivia said not bothering to hide her feelings "What about you?"

"Judge Petrovsky acted like I killed her dog. That's one more enemy to add to the list." One that was growing quite rapidly she added silently.

"You took a big risk." Elliot pointed out.

"You were never in jeopardy. I made sure of that. It will all fall on me."

Hearing those words and the sound of defeat was too much for Olivia. She had to look away.

"You should have told us."

"I am sorry."

"No you're not." Olivia said knowing that Alex wasn't.

"I am sorry that you were ever in the middle of this but I am not sorry about the rest. I have to go I have an arraignment." Alex said as she walked away from them.

Olivia and Elliot turned and watched Alex walk away. Knowing that if something wasn't done this was the beginning of the end. They had seen it too many times before.


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia was sitting on the couch nursing her beer when she heard Alex's keys turn in the door. She had heard through the grapevine that Alex had a meeting with Donnelly after the arraignment. The outcome though was kept very quiet. Something that she found amazing. Nothing ever stayed quiet at the DA's office.

"You're up." Alex stated her hopes of Olivia being asleep shattered.

"Waiting on you." Olivia said as she observed Alex. In the last four days she looked as if she had aged ten years. There were dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep and her clothes looked as if they had been slept in while being covered in wet newspaper. The usual air of confidence that seemed to float around Alex was gone. Instead Olivia saw a shattered soul much like she did with rape victims. "What did Donnelly say?"

"You heard?"

"Honey you and I both know nothing is kept quiet at that office. Hell Donnelly knew we were going on a date before the end of shift the day I asked you."

"One month's suspension without pay. By some miracle Linda Cavanaugh is not suing me, Donnelly, the police department, and the city. How that happened I'll never know. Donnelly is madder than I have ever seen her."

"Alex you do realize why don't you?"

"Look I don't need a lecture from you too."

"Guess what you're getting it Alex. Do you have any clue what you did? Even an inkling. Me and Elliot both were facing federal prison time. We violated someone's rights under the color of law. There could still be sanctions imposed on us by POST that can include revoking our certification. "

Alex lowered head unable to look Olivia in the eyes anymore.

"What about you Alex. You could have been censured or disbarred. We've already established that you could have been sued and by some miracle you're not. Thank god you're not facing criminal charges. All of this for what, Alex?"

'It was for Barnett's future victims."

"BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT."

"Don't give me that. I did it to save all the future Sam Cavanaugh's out there."

"No you did it to save this Sam Cavanaugh and to rid yourself of guilt. I have one question for you did it work?"

"No" Alex choked out finally letting the tears she had been fighting all day to fall.

"It never will either baby." Olivia said a she pulled Alex to her and held her tight. Gently stroking her hair.

"How do you live with yourself after you let a victim down? After you fail to give them justice?"

"If there's one thing I have learned throughout the years in SVU is that there is no such thing as a one time offender. Once they get away with it they start to feel cocky. They feel as if they are untouchable. That is when they make a mistake. Then that is when I nail their asses to the wall."

"Everyone deserves closure"

"Your right Alex everyone does deserve closure but not everyone gets it. Look at my mother. She died without closure. There are hundred thousand women and men out there wanting closure on their case. Most if not all will never get it"

"I caused Sam to try to take his life its different."

"Alexandra Cabot it was not your fault that Sam tried to kill himself. It was Roy Barnett's fault. He is the one who robbed him of his childhood. Not you. He was the one that forced him to do things that no person should ever have to do. Not you. He was the one that lead a young impressionable boy that he loved him and that the best way to show him that love was to molest him. Not you."

"Can I ask you something?" Alex asked as she pulled back to look at Olivia.

"Anything."

"Have you ever had a Sam Cavanaugh?"

"We all have." Olivia said as she settled on the couch to tell Alex about the one case that still haunts her at times. "I had been with the squad for close to eight months when we caught a child molestation case. The victim was six years old when it began and eight when it was reported. On a daily basis her father would take what he wanted. It wasn't until she was in a car accident that the truth was discovered. By that point the damage was done. Upon examination she had so much scar tissue that they determined she would never have a child much less a normal child hood ever again. When the doctor asked her to remove her clothes for examination she began to cry and ask that he please take it easy she was still sore from this morning. When he had her place her feet in the stir ups and begin to examine her she freaked. Begged him not to. Just about pleaded with her life for him not to. I was trying to calm her down when she said only her daddy was allowed to go down on her. If she allowed any of the other men too she would be punished. I promised her then that that would never happen again and her daddy would never hurt her again."

"But he did?"

"His wife, her mother, was finally able to come up with bail money even though it was set at $500,000. We had the daughter with a relative so she was safe and he was not allowed to come within a thousand feet of her."

"He did?"

"No her mother did. We didn't have a restraining order against her mother. There was no evidence to say she was part of it. She was distraught to the point she had to be medicated. She was working two jobs and doing everything she could to keep a roof over their heads. Two days after she bonded him out of jail she went to pick up the little girl and brought her back home to see daddy."

"oh no."

"Yeah and then she left to go to work for fourteen hours. For fourteen hours she paid for letting us know. When the mother returned she found her daughter covered in blood and called 911. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a child that had lost their soul? I did that night when she looked at me and said you promised he wouldn't hurt me anymore. You lied to me just like he always did. Those were the last words she ever said. She died two days later."

"Liv." Alex whispered unsure of what else to say.

"For weeks I didn't sleep. If I did I saw her soulless eyes. There were times I would be sitting in my apartment and I could have sworn I heard her say you lied to me just like he always did. I would go to her grave site and beg and plead for forgiveness. It was my fault that she was dead. I began to sit outside her mother's apartment and following her everywhere when I wasn't working. It was to the point that she had filed a complaint against me. Elliot asked me if I was trying to intentionally lose the case. I informed him I was just getting the little girl the justice she deserved since it was my fault she was taken back to her father."

"Honey you did nothing wrong."

"Exactly, but the guilt of having that little girl telling me I lied to her was almost too much for me. The case was almost thrown out because of some borderline law breaking stunts I pulled Thankfully the ADA was able to save the case but barely. I was placed on suspension for two weeks and an extended probation period. After that Elliot taught me how to deal with my guilt. It never goes away but you learn to control it before it controls you."

"How when you feel as if your to blame."

"For me it was running. That was something I could control. I could control how far, how fast, or how hard I ran. When I felt like my guilt for the girl was starting to get to me I would run. I still do to this day. If not in our profession it tends to leave us with a self-induced meeting of the business end of our service weapon. "


	7. Chapter 7

It had been almost three weeks since Alex started her suspension and she had yet to face her guilt or even try to deal with. There were times Olivia would come home and find Alex just sitting on the couch crying. Olivia did what she could to comfort Alex but the more she tried the more she withdrew from her. It was starting to get to the point that when Olivia would wake in the middle of the night she would find Alex's side un slept in and Alex on the couch asleep. When asked about it she would say she fell asleep watching a movie. Olivia would just shake her head and carry her to the bedroom and never say anything. All that stopped the day that Linda Cavanaugh came to the precinct ranting and raving.

"Do you think that just by paying my sons medical bills I will forget everything and be thankful? THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Miss. Cavanaugh I have no clue what you're talking about." Olivia said standing and turning to face her.

"BULL SHIT. That damn attorney who put my son in the hospital is paying the bills. Oh, wait I forgot you do cover for each other."

"Ma'am we don't cover for each other but I truly don't know what you're talking about." Olivia said glancing at Elliot for help.

"This" Cavanaugh said as she thrust papers into Olivia's hand.

Olivia took the paper's that was handed too her and read over them quickly. The first one was an itemized bill of the ER visit and the other's was itemized monthly bills of what it would cost for her son to remain in the rehabilitation clinic he was currently assigned. The last was a letter from Alex informing Miss. Cavanaugh that the ER bill had been paid in full and the monthly bill of the rehab clinic was being paid too. Also if she would like her son moved to another facility to contact her accountant and he would not only organize the move but would make sure that the bill was covered monthly as well.

"Miss. Cavanaugh" Olivia said as she handed the papers to Elliot to read "Miss. Cabot is with the DA's office and not with us. We had no way of knowing that she had done this. I do know that she is currently out of the office and will be till next month. If you like I will be more than happy to contact the DA's office and ask them to notify her that you would like to speak to her."

"I would because if she thinks this is going to make up for what she has done to my son she is dead wrong."

"May I keep these copies?"

"Do what you want with them." Linda said as she spun on her heels and stormed out.

"I thought you had talked to her." Elliot said once everything had calmed down.

"I did but I guess she wasn't listening." Olivia said placing the paperwork in her jacket pocket

"Then again you know how Alex is. Once she sets her mind to something that's it."

"Reminds me of someone else I know." Elliot said glaring at Olivia before going back to the DD5 he was trying to finish.

"Alex what the hell is this?" Olivia asked handing the papers to Alex later that evening.

"I'm taking care of Sam's medical bills." Alex said sitting dinner on the table "Sit, eat, and relax."

"Alex taking care of his medical bills will not rid you of your guilt."

"No but it helps."

"Does it really?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is for the past three weeks it is only getting worse. I have come home to find you on the couch in tears. Only to be told you were watching a sad movie. For the record it would be helpful if you actually had the TV on for that excuse. The same thing goes for at night when I wake to find you past out on the couch. Again you tell me you've fallen asleep watching TV. It would be helpful if you had the TV on and didn't have a tear streaked face."

"Olivia I have" Alex started to say but stopped when Olivia held her hand up.

"Save it Alex I don't want to hear the excuses and quite frankly I am tired of them. I have stepped back and was trying to let you deal with this on your own. To let you find your own way in dealing with it. I was hoping after me sharing my story with you that you would have found an outlet like I did. I can't believe I was wrong."

Alex hung her head knowing she had hurt Olivia.

"Further more I am sick and tired of your lousy attempts to hide your drinking. Please remember that my mother was an alcoholic and there's not a trick you can do that she hasn't done. Thankfully though you're not a hurtful drunk like she was but for you to think better yet attempt to hide it from me. Do you really think that little of me Alex? Do you?"

"No." Alex choked out disgusted with herself for hurting her the way her mother had. For doing the one thing she swore she would never do when Olivia gave her a chance. She wanted Olivia to know what it was like to be truly loved by somebody not lied to and have to walk on eggshells around.

"I do have to wonder" Olivia spat out as she spun on her heels toward the door.

"Wait where are you going?" Alex cried out truly terrified that she had crossed that line and had lost everything.

"Out."

"Out where?" Alex asked unable to help herself.

Olivia stopped and spun around glaring at Alex with a look that she only reserved for perps before speaking slowly and carefully.

"I will give you credit Alex unlike my mother you do at least appear to care about where I'm going when your drunk. That is a first. To answer your question I am going out. Before you ask I don't know to where and further more I have no clue when, _or if_, I will return."

Alex stood there with tears streaming down her face as she heard the door slammed. She never thought it would come to this. To her she didn't think her guilt was that bad. With Olivia slamming the door on her, possibly them, told her what she needed to do. Something she should have done the first week when she discovered Alcohol made her numb and forget what happened. She dialed a number she knew by heart and waited.

"I need to see you now." Alex said before disconnecting the line and falling to pieces.

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**A/N: I know I'm evil. Sorry guys.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I want to thank everyone for the reviews and Pm's. The response on the last chapter was outstanding. I hope everyone considers this chapter as good as the last one. **

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"Thank you for coming so quickly and late at night." Alex said as she opened the door not bothering to hide the fact that she had been crying.

"It's not a problem." Huang said stepping in shocked to see Alex in such a disheveled manner. She was always so put together and never showed emotion like she was now.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Alex asked as she stepped back allowing Huang to enter and motion for him to have a seat.

"No thank you." Huang said looking around "May I ask where is Olivia?"

"She left, in truth she walked out on me." Alex said breaking down again as she took a seat.

"Alex, can you tell me what happened?" Huang said truly concerned for both his friends. In all the years they had been together neither had walked out on the other without letting them know where they were going. No matter how heated the argument would get and some of theirs were legendary.

Alex looked away unable to meet Huang's eyes.

"I really need you to tell me so I can help you." Huang said in a voice he reserved for his clients. One that was soothing and calm.

"Olivia was fuming because I am paying for Sam's medical bills."

Huang cocked his head to the side and looked at Alex. He knew there was more to the story. Olivia could care less what Alex did with her money. He remembered a time when Alex showed up at lunch stating she had just bought a new Mercedes SUV. Olivia had just laughed and said as long as you're happy I don't care.

"I need you to tell me everything and Alex I need you to be truthful with me."

"I started paying Sam's medical bills about two weeks ago. After all it is my fault as to why he's in the hospital. I figured I could try and lessen the burden some on the family. I never told Liv about it and Linda Cavanaugh came into the precinct today with the paperwork showing Olivia what I was doing."

Huang nodded encouraging Alex to continue.

"When Olivia came home she confronted me about it among other things."

"What other things?"

"Just things."

"Alex I need to know if you want me to help you."

"I haven't been handling the Cavanaugh case too well." Alex stated looking away "I've been lying to Olivia about it and hurt her in the worst way possible."

"I need you to explain how you have been lying to Olivia?"

"Damn it Huang I just have." Alex sneered out as she faced him with one of her historical icy stares that made her a legend in the courtroom.

"So tell me." He said not phased by the look.

Alex growled wanting nothing more than to send him out the apartment but knew if she wanted to remotely save what she had with Olivia he needed to be here.

"Did you just growl at me?" Huang asked laughing. In all his years he had never heard the illustrious Alexandra Cabot growl or anything remotely symbolizing a growl coming from her. She had always been prim, proper, and professional.

"I hate this. I don't want to do this."

"Then why did you call me?"

"Because Olivia walked out. For the first time ever I have no clue where she is. Not to mention she told not when but if she decided to return. _IF_, Huang, IF. That woman is my life and means everything to me. If I have to sit through five sessions a day with you confessing my darkest secrets to bring her back damn it to hell I will. If she wants me to buy her the Empire State Building I will have the title in her name tomorrow by lunch. I have hurt her in the one way I swore to both her and myself that I would never hurt her. I've become her mother."

"Whoa Alex, I think you're a little extreme there. You have not become her mother." Huang said thinking that she was equating her lying to Olivia as that of what Olivia had endured growing up. Even though Huang did not know the full extent of Olivia's past he knew enough there was no match there."

"Oh really." Alex said as she stood up and began pacing "The last time I remember being sober to where I felt something was about two weeks ago. Since then I have done nothing but hide my drinking and lie. Isn't that what Serena did on a regular basis. So tell me how the hell I have not become her mother."

"Because there is no way on earth you would ever put her through the mental and physical she endured for close to sixteen years of her life."

"Mine as well have. Huang for weeks she has come home to find me crying on the couch. When she asked me what was wrong I would look at her and tell her I was watching a sad movie that brought me to tears. Want to know what's wrong with that picture?"

Huang nodded yes

"What's wrong is the fact I wasn't watching tv but replaying what happened to Sam in my mind over and over again. Instead of telling her how bad it was effecting me I lied to her. I did it at night too. She would wake up to find me on the couch asleep. When asked why I was sleeping there I told her I fell asleep watching a movie. Again a lie. I hadn't been watching tv. I just couldn't curl up next to Olivia."

"Why?"

"Because after she went to sleep I would take the bottle of tequila out of my hiding spot and drink it until I passed out. Although somewhere in my mind I had the sense to hide the bottle under the couch. The next morning while she was at work I would take it to the compactor and go buy another bottle sometimes two. There was times she would come home I would be so drunk I couldn't tell you which way was up."

"Olivia never said anything till tonight?"

"No. I guess the final straw for her was finding out I was paying the Cavanaugh bills."

"Why do you think that was the final straw?"

"Haven't you been listening? Because she finally called me out on everything and made me face up to the truth."

"Which is?"

"I haven't faced the guilt I've felt. Instead I've tried to forget it, bury it, whatever you want to call it by paying the bill, avoiding Liv at times, and ultimately burying myself in the bottle." Alex smiled as she spoke next "You know from the beginning Olivia tried to get me to talk to you and channel my guilt. She knows all too well how it can destroy someone."

"Those of us that carry the badge do know all too well Alex. Sometimes it leads us down the path of destruction other times our fellow co-workers. If we're lucky someone catches it before it has us swallowing our barrels."

"What is it with cops and the barrels of their guns?"

Huang smiled he could try till the cows come home to explain the significance of using their service weapon and how their weapon is an extension of them. Right now was not the time. He could tell Alex was in a fragile state and the last thing he wanted to do was give her ideas although something tells him it wouldn't be the first thought of suicide in the past month unless she fully accepted his help it wouldn't be the last either.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry for the delay on this chapter. Hope everyone enjoys and as always reviews are welcomed.**

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Alex glanced at the clock as she walked Huang to the door. They had been talking for over two hours. For the first time since Sam Cavanaugh attempted suicide Alex talked openly about how she was to blame and how at times she wished it was her laying in the bed not Sam. Then how she felt even worse for feeling the way she did.

Huang did his best to explain that what she was feeling was not that different from what an officer felt after an officer involved shooting. Even though there was no choice they always felt guilty about having to take another person's life. That was just human nature. As for her feeling bad about still living her life that was survivor's guilt., another common emotion that one dealt with in this situation.

"Huang I want to thank you again for coming so quickly." Alex said.

"It's no problem. I would like to see you some more though. It can be off the books and record if you would like."

"I appreciate that." Alex said as she opened the door.

"One more thing" Huang said as he faced Alex making sure he had her attention "When Olivia gets home you need to be honest with her and tell her everything. Trust me she understands what you're feeling more than you know."

"Don't you mean if." Alex whispered as a fresh batch of tears flooded her eyes "She's never been gone this long when we've fought, Not without texting or calling at least."

"Alex you and I both know she's coming home. I don't think a nuclear disaster could keep her from you. We both know that you know not only where you'll find her but how to find her. So when I leave go and make the call to bring your love back home. Let her know that you're ready to talk."

Alex nodded as she shut the door behind Huang. He was right as always. She knew where to find her. Olivia was a creature of habit. If they fought she could be found either at the precinct or with Elliot. More often than not it was with the latter of the two. She grabbed the phone and dialed his number praying that the much deserved ass chewing would be short and to the point if not delayed for the moment.

Huang had taken a few steps down the hall when he stopped in his track and smiled at a familiar figure that was leaning against the wall next to the elevator. Even in the darkness he could see her face was etched with worry and exhaustion.

"You ok?" he asked as he walked up to her.

"Yeah I was going to walk in earlier but I heard you two talking and I didn't want to interrupt anything." Olivia said looking at the ground "Is she ok?"

"Why don't you go in and find out."

"You don't know what I said. What I did?"

"Olivia what you did was make her see that she needed help. You quit enabling her. That is all."

"I have never walked out without telling her where I was going or that I at least needed to cool off. Damn George I told her if I came back not when. If, IF, I can't live without that woman. I wouldn't even want to start trying."

"Then I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her. Go in there and talk, really talk. Listen to what she has to say."

"I will and thank you."

"That is why I'm here" Huang said as he stepped on the elevator "Now please go. How she managed to maintain a conversation with me while her mind was on where you were is beyond me. Besides she may need saving from Elliot."

"Elliot? Why Elliot is he here?"

"No but we both know where to find you when you two argue. She had to make the call and knowing that you two fought and what is over is probably sending him into a tirade about now."

"No doubt there." Olivia said with a smile as she started toward the door of their apartment "Let me go save the love of my life and I will see you tomorrow. Thanks again."

"Anytime" Huang said as the door closed knowing full well that Olivia didn't hear him.

"You know what Elliot I'm not really in the mood for your attitude right now." Alex said as she paced the floor "I just want to know if Liv is with you right now."

Alex was silent for a minute listening to what Elliot said.

"You know what you self centered bastard right now the only thing I want to know is where is my girlfriend. You can come over in the morning and rip me a new one hell twenty for all I care. I deserve every bit of what you have to say to me but for right now Just tell me where the HELL IS MY GIRLFRIEND."

"Right behind you beautiful." Olivia said as she opened the door and stepped in the apartment.

Alex jumped around dropping the phone as she darted into Olivia's arms.

"You came back. I love you so much and I am so sorry for everything. Please just give me a chance and I will make it up to."

"Alex calm down honey." Olivia whispered as she carried her to the couch so they could sit and talk "Lets start with of course I came back. Did you really think I wouldn't?"

"That was the first time you've ever walked out and said if. Much less been gone for this long. You're usually back within twenty minutes maybe just a little longer."

"For the record I was back in about forty minutes. I started to come in but I heard Huang talking so I left again. I wanted you to be able to talk to him without me over hearing. When I came back a second time you two were still talking so I propped myself against the elevator waiting for him to exit."

"Next time at least let me know you came back."

"Truthfully if I came in and let you know I was back would you have finished talking to Huang?"

"No I wouldn't have."

"Honey you needed to talk to him there was no way I was going to stop that."

"Did he tell you what we talked about?" Alex asked suddenly worried even though she would share everything with Olivia she wanted to be the one to do it.

"No Alex he didn't. He would never break your confidence no matter how much I threatened him. Plus you and I both know how he holds himself to his code of ethics."

"I know." Alex said as she rested her head on Olivia's shoulder "Do you want to know everything?"

"Do you want to share?"

"I don't want there to be anymore secrets about this between us so yes."

"I would prefer that myself but are you ready to share with me or would you like to wait. I'm fine with waiting or never knowing as long as I know you're talking to someone. That's all I ever wanted."

Alex pulled back and stared into her lover's eyes. There was no doubt in her mind that Olivia was telling her the truth. If she never spoke one word to her about her visits with Huang she wouldn't care. She would never question her about them either. That amount of trust Olivia held in her made her want to open up that much more. She never wanted to do one thing to jeopardize what they had.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who is reading, following, and reviewing not only this story but Over You and any others I have written. It amazes me each day how many people actually read my stories. From the bottom of my heart thank you.**

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Olivia sat back on the couch as Alex began to pace the living room. As badly as she wanted to she knew she shouldn't pull Alex into her arms. What Alex had to say, needed to say, had to come at her own pace and in her own way.

"I really don't know how to tell you what I have to say."

"Let's start with this" Olivia said leaning forward to catch Alex's attention "Tell me what it is your scared of."

"I don't understand what you're asking."

"There is an underlining factor here preventing you from saying what you want to say. Its written all over your face and in your mannerism. Honey every time you go to open your mouth to say something you quickly close it back and a look that can only be described as fear crosses your face. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. So lets start there and work our way up to what we need to."

Alex stared at Olivia in amazement. Even though they had been together for close to a year now it still shocked her that Olivia could read her so well. It had been like that since day one and hadn't changed since. It was almost as if they had a connection to each other that was deeper than anything either had ever experienced.

Olivia sensing Alex's hesitation stood slowly and walked toward Alex. Never taking her eyes off of Alex's she gently took her by the hand and led her back to the couch. Slowly and carefully she guided Alex onto the couch before taking a seat on the coffee table across from her.

"Now take a deep breath and relax."

Alex did as she was instructed.

"Now what has you so scared?"

"That you will leave me once I tell you everything."

"Oh, baby." Olivia whispered as she pulled Alex to her and held her tight "There is only two ways I will leave you. A) you have to tell me to leave and never come back, that you don't want me no more. B) I am killed in the line of duty. To walk out on my own can't and won't happen. You're the reason I get up every morning and the reason for every breath I take."

"But you don't know the full extent of what I've done."

"No I don't but I know I love you enough to work through anything that we come across and that we will come out stronger than ever."

Alex pulled back and stared into Olivia's eyes. The love and devotion she felt for Alex was shining through along with the honesty of that statement. Seeing that in her eyes gave Alex the courage she needed to continue.

"I felt as if I was to blame." Alex whispered as she started to explain everything to Olivia "If I hadn't pushed him so much he would still be a functioning adult. How its my fault that Mrs. Cavanaugh doesn't have her son. Then as time went on I began to wish it was me lying in that bed not Sam. Which in turn would just make me feel worse."

Olivia nodded when she saw Alex pause letting her know she was still listening and wanted to hear the rest.

"Then one day I discovered that the more I drank the more I forgot. It started off innocently enough. I just wanted to have a drink to take the edge off and relax me. Not to different from when we have a glass of wine after dinner or you having a beer when you get home. Then one drink turned into two and then so on. Then the more I drank the worse I felt and it had nothing to do with Sam Cavanaugh. It had to do with lying to you. You had been through this once in your life having to deal with someone who buried her problems in the bottle. You sure as hell didn't need it a second go around."

Olivia opened her mouth to speak but was stopped when Alex placed a finger on her lips.

"I began to hide the bottles under the couch and in the morning after you went to work I would go to the liquor store and purchase more. Sometimes two bottles at a time. When you would carry me to bed from the couch that was because I had passed out drunk there. The next morning when I would wake up and realize how I got into bed I felt even worse. There was a point that I sat in the bedroom packing a bag to leave you. Not because I don't love you but because I began to realize I was doing to you what your mother did. Then as I started to leave I realized I couldn't. I needed you too much."

"Alex." Olivia whispered as tears started to form in her eyes. Just the mere thought that Alex had packed a bag tore her in two.

"I'm not done." Alex croaked out as she wiped the tears that started to fall from Olivia's eyes "I began to think that it would be best if I was dead. I had caused enough pain to you, Linda Cavanaugh, the department, and the District Attorney's office. Olivia I took the gun you placed in my nightstands and placed the barrel in my mouth."

"No Alex." Olivia choked out. She knew Alex was bad but had no clue that it had gotten to this point. How did she miss the signs?

"Yes. I wanted to end everything. It was not fair that I was alive and he was hanging on by a thread. I sat on the bed and begged for forgiveness before I pulled the trigger except I couldn't get my finger to work. Instead images started flashing through my head."

"What images?"

"Your face the day I asked you out, the day you told me you loved me. The first time we made love. The day we moved in together. I realized there was so much more I wanted to do with you. I wanted to see your face at the end of the aisle waiting on me as we married. How you would look holding our first child. I put the gun away and cried. I was about to deprive us of all those joys because of my selfishness."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

"But you were Olivia. You were there every step of the way I just didn't know how to ask for help until you walked out tonight. When that door slammed behind you and I actually questioned if you were coming back I knew I needed help. My stupidity and refusal to seek help almost cost me the best thing I have ever had, You."

Olivia smiled as Alex spoke. It still amazed her that Alex saw her as the best thing that ever happened to her. The product of her mother's rape and the brunt of her mother's drunken rages was the best thing for the woman from the right side of the tracks.

"So I called Huang and had him come over immediately. Everything I just told you we discussed. I am going to start seeing him at least twice a week in the beginning and we will go from there. So that's everything. You have a girlfriend who has buried herself in the bottle and tried to swallow the barrel of a gun. Now truly ask yourself if you still want to be here."

"There's no place else I'd rather be than right here right now." Olivia whispered before she captured Alex's lips with hers.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. I for some reason had great difficulty writing it. If its not up to par like the others trust me I will make up for it in the next chapter. Now for the bad news. I see this story coming to an end. Again I would like to thank everyone for reading, favoriting, and reviewing this story along with my others. You sure do know how to boost a girls ego.**

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It had been three months since that fateful night that Alex had disclosed everything to Olivia. True to her word Alex saw Huang on a regular basis. They began with two sessions a week and as time moved on the frequency of the sessions decreased. She was now down to seeing Huang once a week.

The hardest session she ever had with Huang was when Linda Cavanaugh was included. After almost two months of therapy Huang believed it would be best for her to open up about how she felt to Cavanaugh. Alex on the other hand believed he needed to be committed. After a few more sessions of hearing how he believed this would help her in her recovery she agreed. Not because she wanted to do it but because she figured there was no way in hell Linda Cavanaugh would agree to such a meeting. Therefore helping her avoid a situation that she never had a desire to encounter. What she didn't count on how Huang had a way with words and was able to convince Cavanaugh to come to the session.

Instead of the normal forty-five minutes to an hour long session that one had been almost three hours long. The beginning of the session was the same as any other she had attended. Huang asking how her week had gone. Had anything at work or in her personal life happened that triggered a setback. If so was she using the coping methods they had practiced. She had of course informed him that it had been a great week and she had no setbacks. That within its self was not a lie. After having live through what she believed was losing Olivia she swore she would always be truthful in her sessions even if there was a possibility of a setback. Alex would rather deal with a setback than the thought of living without Olivia.

That was when he had informed her that Linda Cavanaugh was waiting in the lobby for the rest of the session. To say she was shocked would have been an understatement. She used the few minutes alone she had to mentally and emotionally prepare for what she would say to Linda Cavanaugh. Every bit of which flew out the window when Linda walked into the room.

A blind person would be able to see the toll her sons attempted suicide had taken on her. She looked as if she aged twenty years since Alex had seen her at Barnett's sentencing. There were new lines of worry around her eyes which now seem dull and void of life. It tore at Alex's heart to see the pain that Linda Cavanaugh lived through on a daily basis.

Huang had started the session informing Linda that there were things Alex needed to tell her. The only requirement he has was to allow Alex to say what she needed to say before passing judgment. She simple nodded her agreement and turned to face Alex.

Alex took a deep breath as she looked Linda Cavanaugh in the eye. Slowly and carefully Alex explained everything. How she felt as if she was to blame. How she had wished it was her instead of Sam in that bed. How she buried herself in the bottle and how she wanted to take her own life. How paying for Sam's medical bills were her way of begging for forgiveness.

When she had finished Alex was waiting for Linda Cavanaugh to tear into her like she had done in the past. Instead she took Alex by the hand and with tears streaming down her face explained to her that even though she had blamed her it was not her fault. If there was anyone to truly blame it was Barnett. He was the one that took advantage of her son and ripped his youth from him. He was the one that even though they had no proof was the one that lead her son to suicide. The thought that everyone thought he was gay was just too much for him to bear. That and knowing that Barnett never truly loved him just used him for his sexual satisfaction.

Cavanaugh pointed out that as much as she wanted to blame Alex for pushing him and sending him over the edge she couldn't. What she did do though was get him and all of Barnett's victims the justice they deserved and needed. For that she should never feel guilty.

As the session neared the end Alex finally sucked it up and asked Linda the question she had been dreading. Would it be ok for her to continue to pay for his medical bills? It was not meant as a way to admit or admonish her guilt but instead to give Sam every possible means of recovery. If it offended her or she resented it in any way she would not do so. Linda agreed that it would be fine for her to pay for his bills. As long as she understood it was not necessary but greatly appreciated.

The two ladies ended the session with a greater understanding of the pain that Sam's attempted suicide caused both of them. Linda hugged Alex before she left thanking her for doing her job and paying for Sam's bills. Alex thanked her for allowing her to say what she needed to say. They both agreed that they would keep in touch and talk on a regular basis. Each believing it would be best for the other to have someone else who understood what, how and why they felt like they did.

Alex was set to leave after Linda did but Huang kept her there a little longer. She knew he was just concerned about her but personally she wanted out of there. Not because of a setback or anything to that extent. Because for the first time since Sam's attempted suicide she felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. There was only one person she wanted to share this feeling with, Olivia.


	12. Chapter 12

"Olivia. Olivia" Alex called out as she entered the apartment.

Olivia who was in the bedroom jumped up and ran to her girlfriend hearing her frantic voice. Seeing the look on her face tore at her heart and made her wonder what she had talked about in her session with Huang. She did notice that the session did take longer than normal tonight which worried Olivia.

"I'm here baby its ok." Olivia whispered as she pulled her tight against her. It was nights like these that she wanted to hunt Huang down and make sure he spent at least a week in ICU recovering from his injuries. Even though she knew that these sessions were meant to help not harm Alex.

"I love you so much." Alex whispered into Olivia's ear before gently kissing her neck.

"I love you to Alex." Olivia whispered back.

"Come sit down with me please." Alex said as she pulled out of Olivia's embrace and lead her to the couch "I want to tell you about tonight."

Olivia quickly sat on the couch and pulled Alex into her lap. She couldn't help but feel the overwhelming love and trust that Alex held for her when she did. How she immediately melted into Olivia's embrace and relaxed against her. If Olivia was the slightest bit honest with herself she would admit it made her feel like she was king of the world.

"Linda Cavanaugh showed up to my session tonight." Alex breathed out instantly feeling Olivia tense up. She knew it wasn't because she was upset or mad but protective. The one thing that she loved about Olivia and if she was the slightest bit honest with herself it was the one thing that turned her on beyond belief was her protectiveness of her.

Olivia sat there running her fingers through Alex's hair and laying gentle kisses on her temple. She had never once asked Alex about what happened in one of her sessions or what was said but tonight she was fighting the urge.

"It's ok." Alex said "You can ask."

"Did she hurt you?" Olivia asked as calmly as possible but knew a deaf person could hear the tenseness in her voice.

"Not what I was expecting to come out of your mouth."

"I've never been one to do what you expect so why start now."

"True" Alex said laughing "I'll give you that. Now do you want to know about the session or not."

"Do you want to share?"

"You always ask me that. Couldn't you just say yes or no?"

"I could baby but you sharing what you and Dr. Huang discussed is ultimately your decision not mine. So I ask again do you want to share."

Alex positioned herself so that she was straddling Olivia. She smiled to herself when she watched Olivia swallow hard and hold her breath for a minute. She loved knowing that even a slight touch affected Olivia.

"The session started like normal." Alex husked out as she ran her fingers through Olivia's short hair. "We talked about my week and if there was anything that triggered a setback and if so was I using the coping mechanisms that he taught me. Then toward what I thought was the end of the session he informed me that Linda was there. He brought her in and set some ground rules."

Olivia smiled and slightly nodded encouraging Alex to continue.

"He told her to let me say what I needed to say and then she could respond. Which she did. I told her how I felt I was to blame, I wished it was me in that bed, how I buried my problems in alcohol, and how I wanted to take my life."

"Baby."

"No its fine Liv." Alex said trying to ease Olivia's fear "This was something that needed to be done. She was crying when I finished and then explained to me that even though she blamed me at the time she knew I wasn't at fault. That she really blamed Barnett for taking his child hood from him. I was just trying to do my job and get justice for him and all of Barnett's other victims. Which she now understands and thanked me for it. She even forgave me for the lying my way into her apartment stunt."

Olivia smiled realizing what a relief it brought to Alex being able to talk to Linda. That for the first time since the case she was smiling, truly smiling. It was the smile that lit up her whole face and put that sparkle in her eyes that Olivia had missed so much.

"We reached an agreement though. I will continue to pay for Sam's medical bills even though it's not necessary or expected. I would like to see Sam receive the best possible care he can get. She is very grateful for it."

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"I do. I'm not doing it because of the guilt I felt. Not now anyways. Now I am doing it because I would like him to receive the best medical help he can get. I have the means to provide that. Even though all the doctors agree that there's a good chance he will never come to again I would like to believe there's a small chance. You and I both know the greatest revenge on an attacker is to regain your life."

"Yes it is."

"Let's all hope and pray one day he can walk into the prison and look at Barnett and say you didn't destroy you only made me stronger."

"Alex you do realize there is a very high chance that will never happen." Olivia asked scared that Alex had set her sights on something that could destroy her all over again.

"Honey I know and understand that the doctors said there was a ninety-five percent chance he will never wake up and if he did he would just be the shell of the man he was. But we can all dream right."

"We can dream baby and if we're really lucky those dreams turn into reality. Sometimes the reality is better than the dreams could ever be."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Wow I I can't believe that this is the final chapter. I hope everyone has enjoyed it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I know I don't say it enough but I want to thank everyone who reads, favorites, follows, and reviews the stories I write. I hope I can continue writing the stories that everyone loves and that captures them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. **

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Alex smiled as she positioned herself so that Olivia could cradle her and hold her tight. She knew exactly what Olivia was referring to. The first time they had ever made love she had made the comment that was better than her dreams. Of course that had brought the ever famous raised eyebrow from Olivia followed with a care to explain. So she did.

She explained to Olivia since that first day she had walked into the precinct she had found herself attracted to her. She couldn't understand it or explain it since she had never considered looking at a woman in that fashion. Then as her attraction to her had grown so had her dreams. Some of which she had no desire to repeat but had left her needing a record amount of cold showers. Others had left her wondering what it would truly be like to date the detective. If she was as truly as attentive and protective outside of work as she appeared to be. When she was lucky enough and yes she was the lucky the one she found out what it was like to truly be loved by Olivia.

Olivia was the type of girl who was possessive of the woman she was with and not in a bad way. She always found a way to remind Alex who she was with and the would be suitors, as if there would ever be any others, that she was spoken for. Most of the time it was with a simple look when she would drop her guard and allow Alex to see deep into her soul. Other times was with a simple touch whether it was on her arm, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen out of place, or simply placing her hand on the small of her back. To Alex there was something absolutely erotic about having Olivia place her hand on the small of her back as if to claim her.

Then there was her protective side which in truth there were times it irritated Alex beyond belief. She knew a lot of it had to do with her career choice and the fact that they lived and worked in one of the most dangerous cities in the US. At times even though she knew it wasn't possible she just wish Olivia would throw caution to the wind. Not constantly scan a crowd, allow her for once to walk on the side of the side walk closets to the street or pull her close and slightly behind her when someone walked up to them. Although as much as it irritated her it made her heart swell with love to know she meant that much to her.

The side of Olivia that really got to Alex was her attentive side. Alex had never been with someone who was not only as attentive in the bedroom as she was out of it. Olivia remembered that she hated roses they were just so common but loved orchids instead. Because of that fact Olivia had on several instances surprised her with orchids. She also remembered that after an extremely rough day in court she liked to soak in a nice hot bath with a margarita not a glass of wine. Olivia would always do everything she could to make sure by the time Alex arrived home a freshly made margarita and hot bath was waiting for her. Even if she could only stay long enough to for a quick kiss and tell her that she loved her.

In the bedroom that was a whole different playing field. From the first time they made love she was always left feeling as if she was the only woman in the world. Olivia was the only lover who ever took the time to discover that Alex's most sensual spot was actually behind her ears. That she loved the feel of having her lover run fingers through her hair. She was the only one to discover that after an earth shaking orgasm that she needed to maintain a body on body connection. To be honest she craved the feel of Olivia's body over hers after mind blowing sex.

So yes she more than understood Olivia's statement of "We can dream baby and if we're really lucky those dreams turn into reality. Sometimes the reality is better than the dreams could ever be." Because Olivia had far exceeded any dreams she ever had and would ever have about her or them. By simply knowing that she had someone like Olivia by her side made her want to be a better person if for no other reason than to be deserving of her love. She also knew that as long as Olivia was by her side then she could face and would be able to face anything. It was because of Olivia that she faced and dealt with her guilt. Something that she knew a lifetime wasn't enough to repay her.

"Thank you baby." Alex whispered into Olivia's ear when she had pulled herself from her thoughts.

"You're welcome but can I ask for what."

"For supporting me and being there for me like no one else ever has. For helping me through this difficult time and for showing me that my guilt didn't have to rule my life. That I had control over the guilt and above all for loving me."

Olivia could feel the tears forming in her eyes hearing what Alex told her. The amount of love, faith, trust, and understanding that was pouring from her was beyond anything she had ever imagined. By hearing those words she knew that she was ok, Alex was ok, and as a couple they were going to be fine. That as much as it hurt her and Alex that night best thing she ever did was walk out on Alex for a few hours. By her walking out it made Alex face what she needed to face and in truth brought them closer than they had ever been.

"Always and forever my love." Olivia whispered "Always and forever."


End file.
